The good news is that by 1979, man will have a functional space station. The bad news is that it’ll be destroyed by space amazons from Venus.
 
I know, men: You’re worried. Space amazons from Venus sound bad. Well, hot … but also bad. You’re thinking that they’re probably led by some horribly disfigured queen with a white-hot grudge against the men who made her that way, and you’re right. But at least she covers up her radiation-scarred face with a mask and wears short skirts. Her legs are still awesome.
 
And it gets better. Sure, the Queen of Outer Space has a small posse of fellow man-haters on her side, but most of the space amazons — like Zsa Zsa Gabor — are cool.

They miss us, guys, and they’re ready for some lovin. So what we’re gonna do is this: We’re going to send three, handsome, Captain Kirk-esque woman-tamers into space so the Venusians can capture and fall in love with them. We’ll also throw in a middle-aged scientist because it’ll be hilariously awkward when he’s sitting by himself while the good-looking astronauts are making out with Zsa Zsa and her two, hot friends around the campfire. Don’t worry about him, though. He’ll totally get mobbed by sex-starved babes once the revolution’s over and all the women realize that the three attractive guys are spoken for.
 
So, fellas, contact NASA today and tell them you want to be an astronaut. The future’s going to be amazing. —Michael May

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