Mar 16 2013

13 Observations About the 4 Movies in the All Night Movies DVD Collection

allnightmovies1. Bikini Med School and Bikini House Calls look like they’re cobbled together from some really awful Skinemax series.

2. In both, various sexual couplings occur in a frat-house room among a stock group of med students.

3. Downstairs, horse-faced strippers who don’t strip dance to excruciating butt-rock tunes.

4. Occasionally, the movies cut to old stock footage of medical whatnot, sometimes in the middle of a line, for no discernible reason.

5. They also share the same group of unappealing characters.

6. In 1994’s Bikini Med School, two guys bet each other $100 that they can trick a girl into sex.

7. This being a film with “bikini” in the title, they succeed.

8. Writer/director (to use those terms lightly) Michael Paul Girard loved this plot so much that he repeated it in the second half.

9. 1996’s Bikini House Calls is more of the same, except with a fantasy sequence, more panty-sniffing, a fake orgasm contest and a prank pulled with itching powder.

10. Girard is also to blame for 1993’s Illegal Affairs (aka Divorce Law) and A Brief Affair.

11. Those films offer the same sophomoric episodic romps where the comedy is as simulated as the sex, but set in a law firm so that, as one friend put it, the characters can “go to court and fuck on desks.”

12. B-movie regulars Jay Richardson and Monique Parent star, perhaps regrettably, in both.

13. I like to refer to the guy on the right of the DVD cover as Vo-Tech Mullet Party Dude. —Rod Lott

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Nov 24 2012

4 Instances of Ashley Greene Chuckling in The Apparition

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Jul 15 2012

4 Movies I Saw in a Theater in 1996 and Only Barely Remember

1. Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood — Exhibit #32 in “Reasons Why I Had No Friends When I Was 21”: “Hey, Dennis Miller is starring in a movie! I totally got to see that!”

2. 2 Days in the Valley — For some strange reason, I only remember this featuring an attractive blond newcomer named Charlize Theron, who looked very fetching without her clothes on. It’s weird what your mind clings to, isn’t it?

3. Larger Than Life — I recall that in this Bill Murray vehicle about an elephant, Linda Fiorentino played a sadistic animal trainer with the demeanor of a dominatrix, which aroused me in such a way that I worried about it for a week afterward.

4. A Very Brady Sequel — I’m pretty sure I enjoyed this at the time, but now I can’t get past the fact that I once spent 90 minutes sitting in a theater watching a fucking sequel to a fucking movie based on The fucking Brady Bunch. —Allan Mott

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May 20 2012

11 Frames That Prove Mutant Girls Squad Is One Effed-Up Movie, Even for Japan

—Rod Lott

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Apr 22 2012

2 Pieces of Evidence That 1 Miso User Really Hates Gail O’Grady