Inseminoid (1981)

inseminoidOur world has no shortage of Alien imitators, but to find one from the UK is so rare, it makes Inseminoid something of a novelty. I mean, Italy, sure — God, yes! — but Great Britain? The royal land of tea and crumpets and Masterpiece Theatre? The mind boggles …

… and the opening narration certainly does, wearing us down with minutiae about the Horror Planet (the film’s alternate title) we neither asked for nor need: its past population, average temperature, number of suns — holy geez, save something for the Wikipedia page! Here are the essentials: scientists, alien, death. Done!

If the title of Inseminoid strikes your ears as rather reproductive, it should, because the movie’s squatty creature rapes one of the characters (Judy Geeson, It Happened at Nightmare Inn) specifically for spawning purposes. Director Norman J. Warren (Bloody New Year) frames said alien rising between Geeson’s spread legs, as if it were an OB/GYN finishing an exam. Inseminoid’s ick factor reaches peak revulsion as Geeson is impregnated via what looks like pickled eggs plucked greedily from the local pub’s communal jar and then, with Re-Animator fluid as a lubricant, slid directly into her womb through a Habitrail.

inseminoid1Later, as the body count rises parallel to audience boredom, surviving crew members plant bombs around the cavernous facility to win their otherworldly war; I swear the explosives are red Wiffle balls. With props like that, Warren was in no danger of hitting this project out of the park.

Despite an interesting cast that includes Stephanie Beacham (Schizo) and former Steve Martin spouse Victoria Tennant (1987’s Flowers in the Attic), this upper-crust, low-wattage blend of sci-fi, horror and accents nearly requiring subtitles is never quite what you think or hope it will be. Inseminoid is a seed that finds no purchase. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

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