What’s in Hong Kong’s The Cave of Silken Web? Try seven spider demons, in the shapely form of sisters clad in eveningwear from the Roy G. Biv collection, with color-coordinated webs to match. Still, I could not tell them apart — a difficult task made all the more taxing by the insistence of director Ho Meng-Hua (The Mighty Peking Man) to cram the entire septet into the frame at once and as often as possible.
Based on Chinese folklore, this kiddie-matinee fantasy pits these vixens as eager to feast on human flesh, which is why they get so worked up when they see a monk (Ho Fan, reprising his role from 1966’s Monkey Goes West) approaching with three travel buddies-cum-bodyguards: a fairly worthless friar (Tien Shun, also back from West), a massively titted pig man (Peng Peng, ditto) and the ever-acrobatic Monkey King (Chou Lung-Chang, who was not returning, but came back for the next sequel, 1968’s The Land of Many Perfumes). From there, the simple story points are placed on a virtual carousel as the spider women try to capture and consume the men, while the men try to evade capture and save those not as fortunate, while also not becoming breakfast. With trick spells on both sides cast as fast as spittle flies, misunderstandings are used for strategic purposes, as if an episode of Three’s Company were infiltrated by magic.
For example, the sisters initially attempt to lure the men into their cavernous death trap by giving it a proto-HGTV makeover — the first of the film’s musical numbers. (Oh, I didn’t mention the flick is also a musical? Well, it is.) As optical effects do their best to suspend our disbelief, the ladies sing about their dastardly plan. Here, check out the lyrics that begin this sick beat:
I’ve turned the cave into a gorgeous hall
With all these splendid decorations
Luxurious furniture
And all types of antiques
The garden is adorned with rare plants
There are boys and girls waiting to serve
It’s taken on a whole new look
It’s a deadly trap to kill them
To kill them
Game, set, match, Kanye.
Many of the effects — like the friar leaping from ground to mountaintop or Pigsy’s fruit turning into a rock mid-chomp — are achieved through the ol’ freeze-now-and-edit-later method. In rare instances, this works really well, with no moment better than the Monkey King being electrocuted into a skeleton as he tries to bust through a giant web. (Incidentally, this occurs 34 seconds into the trailer and 34 minutes into the movie. Hashtag congruence!) This being a Shaw Brothers production, a fair share of martial-arts battles breaks out, with our heroes and villainesses sparring with swords on a stick — a war of weapons the soundtrack depicts with the cacophony of your kids banging pots and pans.
Still, the sets are a marvel and the pervading wackiness translates into the near-irresistible. As arachnid chick numero whatever says, “Don’t dismiss this monkey, sister.” —Rod Lott