Based on the 1927 H.P. Lovecraft short story “The Colour Out of Space” without crediting it as its source, The Curse concerns the Crane family of a tiny Tennessee town. Ruled with an iron fist by asshole fundamentalist patriarch Nathan (Tentacles’ Claude Akins), the blended farming clan has worries beyond crops when a shiny, white orb lands on their lawn. Despite it looking like a Christmas ornament from last year’s Neiman Marcus catalog, they call it a meteorite. Whatever it is, the thing plops from space while Nathan’s wife, Frances (Kathleen Jordon Gregory), is plowing the field (so to speak) with the hairy, hunky (well, compared to Akins) farmhand.
Only Frances’ son and daughter, Zack and Alice (Stand by Me’s Wil Wheaton and his real-life sister, Amy), seem to notice how different — and terrible — the well water tastes ever since that gosh-durned galaxy rock invaded their property. Then the animals start acting crazy, too; Nathan’s fat-ass slob of a son, Cyrus (Malcolm Denare, John Carpenter’s Christine), is attacked by a horse, while Alice is nearly pecked to death by angry chickens. Nathan praises God for allowing apples to grow on his tree, then is horrified to discover they’re full of writhing maggots. Frances arguably has it worse: After she halves a freshly plucked head of lettuce, only to find it full of goop, a pierced tomato unloads a loose-manure typhoon onto her screaming face.
Soon, her face is newly dotted with a couple of zits that grow into an infection that suggests she caught the herp from her barnyard romp. And yet, even after they balloon into scabby boils, no one dares address it. Just as no one complains about Frances’ fried chicken dinner being marinated in salmonella soup. Just as no one shares their anecdotes about the trick fruits and vegetables. Just as Nathan never says to his wife, “Hey, remember when I caught you in your nightie outside with that hairy, hunky farmhand? What in tarnation was that all about?” Just as no one asks Zack, “Isn’t there anything on the TV other than Hee Haw?” Just as no one ever says, “Holy hell, we sure do have one hot li’l filly of a next-door neighbor!” She’s played by Hope North (Linedancin’ U.S.A.), and not even Cooper Huckabee (Tobe Hooper’s The Funhouse) as her husband seems to notice … especially when she’s gussied up in silky purple panties to seduce him!
Even by science-fiction standards, logic in The Curse is lacking, as are the makeup effects on the simplest usage. (For example, as Alice begins to inherit her mother’s “complexion,” it looks as if the little girl just self-applied blobs of calamine lotion with a cotton ball.) Let’s make sure no one fails to tell you that the 1965 Boris Karloff vehicle Die, Monster, Die! is a far superior adaptation — histrionic title and all — than this, the directorial debut of Daredevil actor David Keith and produced in part by The Beyond’s Lucio Fulci and Beyond the Door’s Ovidio G. Assonitis. The latter name sounds like a true curse: a south-of-the-belly-button disease I never wish to contract. Symptoms of Assonitis include violent itching, uncontrollable oozing, extreme discomfort while seated and an appearance by Hazzard himbo John Schneider. —Rod Lott