With its real-life basis and meddling by paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren, The Haunted could be viewed as The Conjuring prequel you’ve never seen, albeit made for TV. In this case, Pennsylvania’s homely Smurl family.
Janet (Sally Kirkland, Two Evil Eyes) and Jack (Jeffrey DeMunn, The Mist) find their Catholic lives shattered by the presence of satanic specters in their quaint, gaudy home. What are these troublemaking apparitions? What do they want? And will they go away?
Actually, the biggest mystery here is what is Kirkland doing in a movie where she doesn’t ditch the blouse? She’s oft apt to tear the threads from her body as if her brassiere’s filled with chiggers. The only vice this comparably respectable film affords her is chain smoking.
The Smurls’ evil forces are harmless at first: yanking off sheets, shaking religious trinkets on the cabinet, touching Janet’s thigh in the middle of the night, trying to kill the youngest daughter with a light fixture. But then they grow mighty furious, levitating Janet 6 feet off the ground and hurling her from one wall to another. In The Haunted’s cheesiest moment, the spirits take the shape of a semi-voluptuous woman who tries to rape Jack as her face switches from cutie-pie to demon.
Calling in various men of God to perform an exorcism, the Smurls grow desperate enough to hire the Warrens (played by Diane Baker and Stephen Markle of, respectively, The Silence of the Lambs and 1985’s Invasion U.S.A.). This time, the ghosts manifest themselves as a couple of Amish chicks.
Laughably cheap-looking and apparently lensed in the dreariest sections of Canada by F/X director Robert Mandel, The Haunted strives for the sophisticated frights of Poltergeist, but isn’t nearly as frightening as Kirkland’s quick slide into erotic thriller-dom. Six years after Fox aired this, in an episode of the Showtime anthology series The Hunger, she merged the genres by Smurling a super-handsy ghost. —Rod Lott